


The Great Shinobi Bake Off

by chocolatechiplague



Category: Naruto
Genre: Food Poisoning, i love sai so much in this, mild swearing, naruto can't bake for shit, sai is lewd, star baker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 14:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13929315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatechiplague/pseuds/chocolatechiplague
Summary: Welcome to The Great Shinobi Bake Off. Meet our contestants and the five points of view the competition is seen through. From Tsunade, Gaara, Kakashi, Naruto and the wonderful Sai. This is the race to be the 'Star Baker'. Let's get to baking!From the corner of Kakashi’s only visible eye, he could see that Naruto was waving to get his attention, a dorky smile on the boy’s lips as he tried to get his sensei over there. Better see what he wants, Kakashi thought before making it snail pace over to the blonde.“Kakashi-sensei, want to try one of my cupcakes?”They were green. Slimy green, like a frog or something. Was that the theme the boy picked? Frogs?“I'd rather eat the Pringles off the floor than eat your cookies Naruto...no offense.”





	The Great Shinobi Bake Off

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beetlebee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetlebee/gifts).



> This is a gift fic for Sloaners on tumblr and their amazing AU. I legit love it and wanted to show the love. Hope you enjoy.

**Tsunade POV**

Today was the day that Tsunade promised she would stop drinking. She was a woman of her word and it wasn’t as if something stressful beyond reason was going to slap her in the face. Yet that was what happened when Gaara stepped into her office, holding the invination to help host Konoha’s greatest bake-off yet. There was no reason to bring up that this was the first shinobi bake-off they had ever had, or any hidden village had ever had but that was a small, tiny detail. The middle-aged woman had forgotten all about it and side eyed her booze in a locked cabinet. Well shit. Bad day to quit drinking.

But Tsunade was a strong, fierce woman, she could handle anything sober like a boss. Bring on the cake and cookies, she’d handle it head on!

Less than an hour later, she glanced over at the home-ec classroom they had taken over, taking note of the amount of shinobi that joined. It seemed like the entire main cast of the series was present for the most part. How was Sasuke here anyways? Wasn’t he like…a wanted criminal at this point? Was Neji supposed to be alive? Who cares? Hinata looked like she was about to own some serious ass with her baking skills and Tsunade was ready for delicious goods.

“Alright everyone, there will be two judges and two motivators. Gaara and myself, and then Gai with Kakashi.” She called out, watching her two best shinobi, one looking as if he would explode in youth (at this point, Tsunade was convinced he was on drugs, that man wasn’t natural and who cut his hair? They needed to be taken out of business) while Kakashi looked like he’d be better suited for all black, side swiped black hair and the phrase ‘it’s not a phase mom’. He just straight up didn’t want to be there and if she had to be there, then Tsunade wasn’t going down the depths of this hell alone.

Gaara looked about as eager as a raccoon facing off against a hunk of wood. Unimpressed. At least by anything not Naruto, like Jesus fuck, can he crush any harder without just dying? She wasn’t sure and didn’t fully care as she took a swig of water. Replace booze with water, yes, totally will work.

“There will be five rounds to this bake-off. Everyone get ready, you have an hour and a half to make a dozen chocolate chip cookies. Starting now!”

Immediately, everyone got to work. Naruto was already creating a mess as the others did measuring. What… what was Naruto even doing? Was he using handfuls as a measuring unit? How did this boy stay alive living alone? Oh god, no wonder he ate so much ramen, he couldn’t cook for shit.

“Naruto is doing well.” Gaara commented. Tsunade knocked back another shot of water.

Bad day to give up alcohol.

At the hour mark, Tsunade was getting worried. Naruto’s cookies had been in the oven for a long time already…and there was half an hour left to go. She was worried about the boy’s health at the moment if this was how he baked. Maybe his cooking was better. She looked around at the other contestants and felt a small twitch at the violent motions of Sasuke, the boy murmuring about killing his brother. Sakura was …. making pink cookies? Oh sweet lord, please give Tsunade mercy or death. Naruto’s cooking was going to kill her at least.

The timer went off and Tsunade felt the rays of heaven n her for the moment. She came crashing to reality when she realized that this meant she’d have to taste test everything. Tsunade should have made Kakashi do this part.

Breath in, breath out. You got this.

The first up was Ino with flower shaped cookies, sakura blossoms to be exact. “Tell us about your cookies, Ino.”

“I made sakura themed sugar cookies with cherry flavored icing. I wanted to match the sweetness of the real thing.”

Teen romance. Gross.

Thankfully, the cookies were actually pretty good and Tsunade made sure to take a couple extra to rid the flavor of the others baking. Meaning Naruto.

Sai was third in testing, right after Kiba who she was sure had Akamaru make the cookies. Akamaru could make a mean snickerdoodle. She looked at Sai’s cookies then at Sai. “Sai, are these breast shaped cookies?”

“I’m so glad you noticed. I wanted to appeal to your greatest asset.”

Oh my god, no. The woman was barely able to take a bite of the ‘themed’ cookie. Surprisingly, it was the best so far. Sweet vanilla with a hint of caramel. It was heavenly either. Now if only they weren’t shaped like boobs.

The last to be taste tested was Naruto’s burnt crisps for cookies. It was like a sad lump, crunchy and black on the inside and a glob of hard, yet somehow half baked, cavity inducing cookie dough on the inside.

“Naruto, it’s great that you tried, but-“

“Star baker.”

Gaara, no. Why let your obvious crush show through right now? He was not a star baker but Gaara had already pinned a gold star to Naruto’s stained apron.

“Star baker.” He whispered once more before returning to an emotionless firecrotch.

Rest in fucking rip Tsunade, the great shinobi bake off will do what no shinobi nor war before did: fucking kill you off. Bad fucking day to quit drinking.

In the background, she could hear Sai and Sakura, how the girl was commented how weird his cookies were. The smile on the boys lips said he was about to risk his life.

“Maybe if you drink a lot of alcohol, they'll grow. Tsunade's seem to be getting bigger with each round that passes in this contest.”

 How has Sai survived to adulthood, she has to wonder.

 “Or maybe she's just getting fat.”

“Round two!”

* * *

 

**Gaara POV**

Why did he agree to this?

Ah yes, because Naruto was so eager to do this competition and show that he was able to cook and bake that Gaara couldn’t help but say yes. He couldn’t break the blondes heart and dreams like that, it would be cruel. Naruto was a bright star after all, wonderful at everything he did and he felt what he recognized as excitement to see Naruto prove his abilities through sweets.

Sure, Naruto’s creation in the first round wasn’t the prettiest and Tsunade had a twitch in her eye since Gaara decided Naruto was the first founds star baker. It seemed like a medical problem and he should suggest to Sakura that something was wrong. It wouldn’t be right to not wish good health on his fellow kage and fellow judge. This whole being a good person thing was really tiring. What Gaara wouldn’t do for some good old-fashioned murder like in the old days. No, he was a changed man, one worthy of Naruto’s friendship.

Any time Gaara brought up how he appreciated Naruto’s friendship, he was ‘crushing’ Naruto and that he was ‘gay for the blonde sunshine’. Gay as in happy? He was always happy around Naruto, yes, that was true and Naruto was a ray of sunshine. But why would he want to crush and kill him? Seemed counterproductive to their friendship.

After the first round, Gaara tried to pay attention to the other contestants but it was hard. This round was about brownies and he could see Sai pouring something into molds he made. Gaara would never admit he had a thing for chocolate so he was silently eager. More so to see what brilliant thing Naruto created.

Clearing the thoughts, Gaara moved to look at what Hinata was doing. She was making excellent brownies, a fudge icing in the works as more fudge was put in the center of the brownies so they would be perfectly gooey when bit into. Perhaps she could be a star baker too. It seemed that Gaara was doing better in giving support to the contestants than Kakashi was who just looked at everything with a dead to the world glaze to his one eye. Gai was being, well, Gai. Youth this, youth that, everything had youth and he was starting to scare Tenten. By the way, was her brownies shaped like kunai?

After a glance to Naruto’s work, he nodded his head with approval.

“I think he is star baker.”

Tsunade looked directly into his eyes, a frown on her lips. “Gaara, has anyone ever told you about the birds and the bees?”

What? Why would Gaara need to know about birds and bees? Did birds eat the bees or were the birds stung to a violent, painful death by bees?

“Why would it matter? Wouldn’t it mean more to Shino as it involves bees?”

“No, Gaara, I mean do you know about se-“ The timer went off and Gaara went to check on Naruto. The woman could explain about the bees and birds later.

“Isn't against the rules for a dog to be near the cakes, throwing his fur all around?” Gaara looked to Sai who asked the question the Kiba who looked as if he would kill the frighteningly pale shinobi.

“No, Akamaru can wear a hair net and apron. It’s fine.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, take me now.” He could hear Tsunade whisper behind him. She looked like she was giving up on life already, but they were only in the second round. Perhaps he should cheer her up.

“Naruto is doing well.” Talking about Naruto cheered him up after all. Her frown turned to a scowl. Must be on her period. Kankuro taught him about that, how it made women crazy. Then Temari proceeded to beat the shit out of Kankuro, but Gaara didn’t doubt in his older brother’s wisdom.

Tsunade looked like she had just hit gold when the timer went off and they went to start judging. Sai’s brownies were ..

“Are those dicks?”

“Thank you for noticing, I read that chocolate is sensual and gives happy chemicals to the brain. Gaara, would you like one?”

“No. No thank you.”

“Naruto?” Sai questioned the blonde in the kitchen setup behind him. “You look like you could use one.”

Something was wrong with that freak, and that was coming from Gaara who sold his eyebrows to Lee. The judges made their rounds and at Naruto’s, the brownies were made with unsweetened chocolate and were, like the cookies, burnt and sloppy.

“Star baker.”

“Gaara, no. Hinata wins.”

“Naruto, you are star baker.”

“I fucking hate you, Gaara.” Tsunade murmured, turning to the first ninja not in the competition. “S rank mission, get me my booze. All of it. ALL of it.”

Gaara worried she would die of liver failure at this point. But maybe that would mean Naruto could become Hokage. He’d be okay with that.

* * *

 

**Kakashi POV**

Gai was a horrible friend and he would be sure to kill him later for signing him up as a motivator. Kakashi had zero fucks to give and even less motivation for this all. It was too late to run now though, he had a duty as Tsunade had made it a mission. He had no way to say no to the Hokage when it came to such a ‘dire’ mission as she phrased it. Dire for his health and life span maybe.

“I feel as if someone dropped all my pringles.” He murmured to himself.

With a deep breath, he moved to look over Lee’s work on the third round. Cupcakes. He actually didn’t like cupcakes despite being a cake lover. They tasted way different to cake and always had too much frosting or too much sprinkles. Sprinkles were the herpes of baking and nothing would tell Kakashi otherwise.

“So what are you making Lee?”

The boy turned with a sparkle to his beady eyes, eyebrows raised past his hairline. They were visable through his bowl cut, how did he do that?

“I am making cupcakes of youth in honor of sensai Gai! I shall show the power of youth!”

“That’s…great.”

“If I do not win this round, it’s a hundred laps around Konoha!”

Jesus, was this kid on steroids or something?

“Good for you.” Kinda. When did this end anyways?

Kakashi made a point to walk away from the cupcakes Sai was making, not sure how to ‘encourage’ him when Sai was making cupcakes with even more dicks on them. What was with this kid and dicks? Was he gay? Not that Kakashi would ever judge or care, but there had to be a reason for the constant dicks everywhere. That and boobs. Better though than other anatomy he could reference he supposed.

Time to check on Sasuke. His cupcakes had sugar glass knives stabbing the blood red cupcakes when he went over to the Uchiha’s work station. It looked like the sharingan was drawn in the center too. Also included the name Itachi at the bottom.

“I see you are talented in baking, Sasuke.” Kakashi commented, trying to give a cheerful smile when the boy stabbed another cupcake with the candy knives.

“The theme is hatred for my brother. I’ll kill him some day and then I shall revenge my mother who taught me how to bake.”

“That’s nice.”

No, it wasn’t. More so because Itachi was badly, so badly watching from the windows.

From the corner of Kakashi’s only visible eye, he could see that Naruto was waving to get his attention, a dorky smile on the boy’s lips as he tried to get his sensei over there. Better see what he wants, Kakashi thought before making it snail pace over to the blonde.

“Kakashi-sensei, want to try one of my cupcakes?”

They were green. Slimy green, like a frog or something. Was that the theme the boy picked? Frogs?

“I'd rather eat the Pringles off the floor than eat your cookies Naruto...no offense.”

Obviously, Naruto took offense this and immediately, Gaara was at his side with awkward words of encouragement and stomaching eating one of the cupcakes without throwing up. That was dedicated love right there. or at least or at least deludes one’s self enough to murder your mouth and still think your crush hung the moon.

Kakashi was honestly just relieved he didn’t have to eat any of the baking unless he wanted to. Admittingly, he stole a cupcake by Hinata and it was as if an angel made it. Seriously, of all people with a crush on Naruto, he approved mostly of Hinata if only for her cooking. Never tell Gaara, or Sasuke for that matter. In fact, no one should ever know his thoughts. Good plan.

“Star baker.”

A third star was placed on Naruto’s apron, Sasuke shrieking in the background with Lee already out of the building to run his laps like a good Gai mini clone. The worst part was the soft, sly comment from Sai how asked if his booty was real. He preferred to eat wet Pringles off Gai’s bowl cut than deal with this.

“Tsunade, I need a drink. I’m begging you.”

* * *

 

**Naruto POV**

Gaara was such a good friend. A best friend even. Though Sasuke was BESTEST friend. Yep, friend. Gaara was his friend. F. R. I. E. N. D. Was that the right spelling? Spelling wasn’t his strong suit, though he was much better at math than people assumed. He just hated it. He wasn’t dumber than rocks clacking in a sack, he just didn’t show he was smart. He also hated using measuring cups and spoons. A real chef and baker didn’t need those. He saw it on a tv show once, someone using handfuls to make delicious looking food. If that five star, world renown chef could do it, then obviously Naruto could too.

It felt nice how he was winning the competition. With three out of five, he was already promising a win over it all, and if lucky and worked hard on the next two rounds, he could get all five.

It was the cake round and Naruto knew he had this on lock. That was the phrase right? Or was it on fleet? It was lit? Dank? He wasn’t sure, Sakura and Ino were better at being up-to-date on civilian lingo. This wasn’t the time to worry about being super cool (He was totally cool already, cool than SASUKE ever is of course), he had a cake to bake.

At first, he was planning to make a cake for and about Sasuke but considering Sasuke had already been making sharingan things and a lot of sugar blood, he decided to instead make a Gaara cake. Baa-chan did say Naruto has an unhealthy obsession with Sasuke so off to his other best friend. What better way to sweet talk a friend into another win than to appeal to their friendship. Also, ever notice how sharingan was just the words sharing and an? Naruto thought about that a lot. A weird amount of a lot.

Tsunade and Kakashi seemed to already be on their way of being shit faced drunk with how they were taking shots of vodka, fireball, and moonshine. He wasn’t sure what would kill them first, the stress of such important roles as judge and motivator or alcohol abuse.

“Wow Sakura, I’m impressed how low you had to bend to get cake on your chest, you’re rather flat after all.” Sai commented with a chipper tone after Sakura got cake mix on her apron. Gai had to physically pull Sakura from Sai, prying her fingers from around his neck. It felt like Gai and Kakashi had turned from motivators to commentators and protecting the contestants from killing each other. Mostly protecting Sai.

After Naruto won a third star, quite a few people had dropped from the competition, grumbling how it was rigged and unfair. Naruto didn’t understand why they thought that but either way, he was winning. He glanced around at the others cakes as his own baked, frosting ready. Ino had started working on piping beautiful flowers on her cake, Sakura had a pink cake with hearts, Hinata one that…. Looked kinda like him? Cool! Sasuke was doing whatever Sasuke did besides muttering ‘kill my brother’ over and over.

It was when he looked to Shino that Naruto felt concern. There were a lot of bugs around and Shino seemed to be buzzing. Was that fresh honey too? Did the bee’s like… just put it there on his command? Gross. He did seem to be adding raisins- No wait, those were bugs. That cake doesn’t seem edible. Not with how Naruto remembered that honey was like bee vomit, right? Double gross.

Finally, his two-layer cake was done! He grinned after it cooled enough to ice it. Sure, the oven had caught on fire and the cake looked a bit charred, but enough frosting would fix it. With a smile, he proudly presented his cake as the two judges came up.

“Ain’t I doing well? Aren’t you proud of me baa-chan?” He asked and the rather drunk Tsunade looked at him then Gaara. “I can’t take this bullshit, I need more booze before I kill someone.” Well that was rude, Naruto thought.

The cake made a crunch sound as he cut a slice for the two judges, a grimace on Tsunade’s face and slowly pushed the cake to the side. Gai though stepped up, teeth sparkling like a billboard ad. “I’ll try your cake, Naruto!”

“Gai, No!” Kakashi called out, words slurred.

It was too late though, Gai was hacking and choking, tears in his eyes as he fell to the floor. Lee ran to his side, cradling his teachers head gingerly. “You’re too youthful to die, sensei! You can fight it, you can’t die on me!”

“It’s just food poisoning, he’ll be fine in a week.” Tsunade snorted, murmuring after a ‘though scarred for life about cake’.

“Star baker.” A fourth star was added and Naruto beamed. See? He could totally bake.

 

* * *

 

**Sai POV**

If asked, Sai would never admit he was sabotaging everyone in the competition. Sure, he knew he wouldn’t win, not with Gaara as a judge. That boy would complement Naruto dropping his dessert and then eat it off the floor, calling it innovative. But beating everyone else? Easy. "You look like the type to do doggy style." Sai commented as casually as possible, throwing Kiba way the fuck off and accidentally spilling his pie mixture. All according to plan. Sabotage. Any time he saw someone with steady hands and delicate work, Sai ‘just happened’ to have a comment to make.

Everything Sai said was truthful at least, he was amazed by Tsunade’s assets defying gravity by not sagging low, or how a billboard chested Sakura got frosting everywhere.

“Sasuke, you really do fit into the UKE of your name. You do such gentle work on the bottom.” He cooed, dodging the thrown apple pie mix at the pale boy.

There was one thing though that truly amazed Sai. He had once read in a book about how dirt was sentient, how it screamed for its children when construction was done, crushed into the ground, or worse. Invaded by the grass nation. They tormented and tortured the dirt, cackling as they smothered them. When he shared his conspiracy with the others, he had been told that it could be a ninja technique if someone squinted hard enough. But that wasn’t what amazed Sai.

“Wow, amazing Naruto, your pie is dead.” Another tortured soul, only this time baked alive and screaming it’s last moments as it burnt to death. No amount of feelings and love poured into the pies inners would bring it back, he was afraid.

It didn’t take long before the timer for their pies was up and Sai was asked about his pie. The woman could hold her liquor well. She was slurring and wobbling, but she had downed multiple bottles of hard alcohol with Kakashi. Where was Kakashi anyways? Maybe passed out.

“My pie is cherry filled. I thought it was appropriate to pop the cherries first.”

“Jesus fucking Christ I hate you all.” Tsunade responded, taking a bite of the pie before swallowing. “Not bad at least.”

“Star baker.”

For a bright, shining moment, Tsunade believed that someone other than Naruto had won, and Sai was on cloud fourteen at the idea. Yet when they looked over, Naruto had a fifth star and Gaara was crunching on whatever that atrocity that the blonde made. Fucking stomach of steel.

“Star baker wins.”

Next year, Gaara wasn’t allowed to be a judge and Naruto was banned from being near an oven.

**Author's Note:**

> Damn, it felt amazing to write something besides 11 page essays for the first time in MONTHS. I've been buried in work and it has been torture, creativity killed. But finally, I popped a piece out. Hopefully, I'll have another chance to write and add to some of the fics I've been promising to update.


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